Saturday, April 18, 2015

Post visit thoughts

I had a big visit... lot's of pressure a whole bus of the office folks at my store
.... seriously! a bus load of folks 

why am I blogging about it? because of my reaction to stress is usually to consume mass quantities of food... preferably chocolate and processed garbage 

but not this time.... 

no binge in sight!!! shocker!!! 



I peeked at the scale this morning... tomorrow is weigh in day but looks like another half pound 

but I am good with that ... 


I am eating about every 2 hours
never hungry 
have my frozen yogurt on the regular 


I have even incorporated my beloved Quest bars into my daily diet 
I am off the coffee creamer totally 
now I have a coffee protein shake in the morning 

so there's no rush 
I will get there... 
where ever "there" is 


so for today 
love, Peace and chicken grease 



Thursday, April 16, 2015

Put on your big girl pants and deal

I spent this morning reading a LOT of other bloggers


and ya know what I came up with? 
I need to chill the heck out!!! 


it's funny when I had my yearly performance review with my boss 
her closing comment to me 
"Karla... don't be so hard on yourself" 

dang 


does my boss know me or what? 

food has been on point 
today's day off food plan 


at the pink lines I have to have a liter of water drank 
and I need to go to the gym
but my old trainer could be there and I am chicken 
maybe I will go in disguise


OMG I am such a wuss 


I can deal with confrontation at work 
kinda sorta ... yeah I am good for the most part 
but I am a real life 
pansy 


again me posting too much 
I may or may not put on my big girl pant and go to the gym 
and deal with it 


we'll see 




Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Ramblings about the gym


Gym's are funny places 
you have the perfect fitness people 


perfect form 
trendy clothes from Lulu 


then me 
pants 5 years old
men's T Shirt 
I was never comfortable in those ladies tanks 
they expose all the giggly bits 
just doing my thang 
feeling like a dork


then lets talk cardio 
the ladies that NEVER touch a weight 
are ALWAYS at the gym 
no matter what time I go 
.....
yep they are still there 
doing what must be 
hours and hours of cardio 
how do they do it? 
I wanna quit after 25 minutes 
okay I am lying 
I wanna quit after 5 minutes!!!! 


the folks that bust their butts 
I see them killing it 
but their bodies never change 
ahhhh this may be me 



but because the gym is the easy part 
(in my mind) 
because the diet is not on point 
body doesn't change 
dang frustrating 


the women that seem to have it all together 
oh man they intimidate me 
yeah okay everyone has a different story  
so why do I care? 
silly 
so silly of me 
like they spend even 2 seconds thinking about me 
in my silly over-sized man shirt 
doing my dork-a-work out  


then those danged like super athletic folks 
they will run like the wind
do the stairs at uber hyper speed 
lift a crazy amount of weight 
but I keep pluggin along 
it's me against me 
but I notice them 
and I .... kind of feel small 
but I keep pluggin 


flexin my baby guns 


nope I am not going to give up 
this is the goal 


Oldest female bodybuilder 
well maybe not entirely my goal...
but she inspires me 



these ladies inspire me
they don't give up
It is NEVER too late
focus focus focus
(that is my bosses favorite line!!)
Focus Karla
don't give up


tootles













Sunday, April 12, 2015

Sunday Morning chit chat

Weight loss last week .5

I am good with that 
why? 
Have you ever watched Seinfeld? 
I had an Elaine Benez BIG salad last night 


that baby was ginormous!!! 

yummo 

and after... 100 calorie popcorn bag and 4 Snackwell cookies

so usually before weigh in I go easy the night before...
last night not so much 
and I used 21 of my weekly points so a loss ... boo yah!!! 


because remember .5 X 52 weeks = 25 pounds lost in a year!!! 

so goals this week: 
stop being a pansy and go to gym... scardy cat, chicken 


I have been sick (see the excuses I am making) 
been busy (yeah right... no more than usual) 
dang girl just get off your keister and 
GO TO THE GYM!!!!! 

maybe tomorrow 



Saturday, April 11, 2015

fears

tomorrow is weigh day 
and I am nervous 
why? I used some of my weeklies this week ... 
not all of them but this is where my head starts spinning 


here is my inner critic... Evil Karla 

you did this once, what makes you think you can again? you are weak... blah blah blah blah ... 
I am not even going to give the thoughts blog space because they are just FEAR screaming at me 


fear 
again Big Book reference: 


... fears thoroughly.   BB How It Works, p.68   View HOW IT WORKS chapter
We reviewed our fears thoroughly.


13.
... fears were to prove groundless?   12&12 Tradition Three, p.140   View TRADITION THREE essay
How could we then guess that all those fears were to prove groundless?

I am just afraid and maybe part of me is afraid to succeed? 
sound crazy? 
 well what about all the attention? people thinking I will fail? 
those thinking "Oh you got this" 
Do I? ... Got this? 
pressure? Questions? 

I am just me... on a journey to feel better in my skin, 
stop the binge/diet cycle... 
fit back into my size 6's... 

and what's weird .... and people I love and are close to me have said ... 
You have a problem.. obsessed I have heard that word 


ahhh ... HELLO??? I am a frigging grocery store manager that battles her weight 

kind of make perfect sense... 



this post kind of turned into a rambling gumble... that's how things go at 4:30 AM 

so work today and then off tomorrow 

food today : 
protein shake coffee
2 LF Eggos and egg whites 
Quest bar 
egg whites and sandwich thin 
cottage cheese and green beans 
ham and whipped cream cheese roll up on an 80 calorie La Tortilla 
135 calorie Carb-d-lite frozen yogurt 

 tootles 

Friday, April 10, 2015

How ya doin?

on the old Weight Watcher points system I am allowed 
22 points a day with 35 weeklies 
yesterday I used 31

that's a lot .... not binge a lot... but too many 

yesterday is over... new day today 


and I still have 14 weeklies left ... weigh in day is Sunday 

I felt myself readying for an all outter binge last night 
so I went to bed 
it worked... 
binge averted 


foods all packed for work 

here's my day's menu 

- protein shake with coffee 
- 2 low fat Eggo's and 4 egg whites 
- Quest bar 
- 4 egg whites and a sandwich thin 
- Greek yogurt 
- green beans with some cottage cheese 
- Carb-d-lite SF frozen yogurt (140 calories) 

^^^^^^^^
22 points used no weeklies 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like uber crap 
sick sick sick 
but I have to go to work.... lots to do 



ahhhh I need to start playing the lottery!!! 
tootles


Thursday, April 9, 2015

Doomed ... and real life issues

so I am handling my weight like I handled my alcoholism 
diet-binge cycle.... alcoholism... both are addictions for me 

I was not a good sober alcoholic... am not a good sober alcoholic 

I never did the 12 steps... didn't want to vomit all my "stuff" to anyone 
I am what AAers call a dry drunk... doomed to drink again 

yeah me ... doomed 



I am making light of it, but yeah I think about drinking on the occasion... for crying out loud I am a grocery store MANAGER!!!! they have thee coolest liquor flavors now... where were all those when I was drinking??? 
 but seriously what keeps me sober now a days are a few facts: 

  • if I drink... I will be drunk for a few years... FACT 
  • if I drink... I will fracture relationships... possible sever them and these are relationships I hold DEAR and are critical to my emotional well being 
  • if I drink... I put my job in jeopardy ... and I am too danged old to go through THAT 
easy peasy 

but food is not a simple as booze... you gotta eat ... annoying huh? 



again I am making light of this... but these are my real life issues 

so how do I maintain food sobriety? ... 
well obviously I have work to do... 
I am not even 30 days binge free 

I will start there ... 3/29/2015 was my last food binge ... Shame is what I feel when this happens 
... shameful or tragic.   BB The Family Afterward, p.123   View THE FAMILY AFTERWARD chapter

Now and then the family will be plagued by spectres from the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by escapadesfunnyhumiliatingshameful or tragic.

so today I am off... Chances of binge always increase on my off days... no one around to witness the incident... secretive...


but because of this blog and my decision to spill my guts to unseen people I am putting it out there 
today ... all days off are scary dangerous for me on the binge-o-meter 


sometimes I think I should go back to my plain ole food diary posts 
this kind of blog post is kind of scary to put out there 


ee gads!!! 
just push publish Karla and walk away from the computer 

tootles 

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