This morning I weighted in at 141.8, no big surprise! I have been thinking all morning about yesterday and how I have been eating lately
ok, warning…. long rambling blog entry to follow
last week one morning I got on the scale and saw 137, I can NEVER remember seeing that number!! yet I didn’t blog about it… humm….
am I scared? if I am not struggling to lose weight, who am I? do I lose my identity? (or am I totally full of crap??)
I had a REALLY good day at work yesterday REALLY, REALLY good!!!
what is it with me?
so I don’t drink…
I need to start linking overeating to how I feel when I drink alcohol
this morning I feel lethargic, sour stomach, a yucky film in my mouth from all the rich food, I don’t want to eat… my stinking thinking saying DON”T eat……. fix the problem from yesterday!!!!! BUT by not eating just makes things worse, because you starve yourself then freak out and binge… bottom line ……. my self esteem is in the crapper.
but this morning I am more wondering ….. why???
what is causing me to do this behavior that I know makes me feel bad???
fear of success? …. “ok Karla, REALLY like you are really good enough, maybe you can fool them but not yourself, you are FAT and weak, so just go ahead and eat”
fear of losing who I am? ….. “if I am not overweight and losing weight, who am I…. maybe just me… is that good enough??? Who am I?? YIKES!!!! eat, eat, eat girl!!!!!”
fear of if I deal with this weight issue do I have to “solve” all my other life problems?
Am I just getting old and trying to grasp on to something to “feel” younger, more in control?
do I just have control issues?
what??? what??? what???
I don’t want to be normal, I want to be extraordinary!! I want to be the best I can be… will the number on my scale make me rich? happy? solve the worlds problems? will all of a sudden I be “fixed”…..
I have to find the place where I am happiest. I don’t want to feel like I have failed. I need to eat clean and that can be hard
I need to identify when I am “craving something sweet” that is my body's chemical (or emotional) response to some imbalance…. too many carbs in my diet (I crave carbs when I have carbs) or just good plain ole fear
and then I can deal with the issue
I need to stop turning to food! Lap Band Girl posted something on her Facebook the other day
I have been thinking about this since she posted it
I am an intelligent, beautiful, powerful woman!!! so I need to STOP doing dumb stuff!!!
making myself feel like crap is just plain dumb!!
so todays goal’s are:
#1 eat clean
#2 do something that involves exercise that will make me feel empowered
#3 do something nurturing to take care of me
I will post tonight
later blogger buds