Saturday, April 11, 2015

fears

tomorrow is weigh day 
and I am nervous 
why? I used some of my weeklies this week ... 
not all of them but this is where my head starts spinning 


here is my inner critic... Evil Karla 

you did this once, what makes you think you can again? you are weak... blah blah blah blah ... 
I am not even going to give the thoughts blog space because they are just FEAR screaming at me 


fear 
again Big Book reference: 


... fears thoroughly.   BB How It Works, p.68   View HOW IT WORKS chapter
We reviewed our fears thoroughly.


13.
... fears were to prove groundless?   12&12 Tradition Three, p.140   View TRADITION THREE essay
How could we then guess that all those fears were to prove groundless?

I am just afraid and maybe part of me is afraid to succeed? 
sound crazy? 
 well what about all the attention? people thinking I will fail? 
those thinking "Oh you got this" 
Do I? ... Got this? 
pressure? Questions? 

I am just me... on a journey to feel better in my skin, 
stop the binge/diet cycle... 
fit back into my size 6's... 

and what's weird .... and people I love and are close to me have said ... 
You have a problem.. obsessed I have heard that word 


ahhh ... HELLO??? I am a frigging grocery store manager that battles her weight 

kind of make perfect sense... 



this post kind of turned into a rambling gumble... that's how things go at 4:30 AM 

so work today and then off tomorrow 

food today : 
protein shake coffee
2 LF Eggos and egg whites 
Quest bar 
egg whites and sandwich thin 
cottage cheese and green beans 
ham and whipped cream cheese roll up on an 80 calorie La Tortilla 
135 calorie Carb-d-lite frozen yogurt 

 tootles 

1 comment:

  1. Karla, I know you read your comments before publishing, so if you don't want to publish then I understand.

    I don't know if you've read I'm starting Eating disorder (ED) outpatient treatment this week. I just went to orientation on Saturday with my husband. I read your post that morning and I couldn't get it off my mind and even while sitting at the workshop and reading the materials they gave. Specifically this comment because it is something I've said and thought (generally) my self.


    "I am just me... on a journey to feel better in my skin,
    stop the binge/diet cycle...
    fit back into my size 6's..."

    I read your ambivalence. It's a thing where "You want your cake and eat it too". That thinking keeps us stuck.

    Even though I've been in therapy and working with a nutritionist(to lose weight), I've had increasing problems . It's a cycle of fear, diet( restrict), screw up, binge, guilt, shame , more guilt,, fear, restrict , etc ,etc. I've read more eating disordered information lately , something I've read off and on and considered but couldn't commit to and thought I could handle with the help I had.

    But I reached a point and I looked to see who the eating disorder centers were on my insurance plan, and I read the websites. Then made an appointment. I started Saturday.

    After leaving the 2 hour orientation , I still asked my husband to validate that I was really eating disordered, that I really needed treatment, or was he thinking it was just another thing I was trying to lose weight. He validated it. Big time. He is going to be a part of the recovery also because how we communicate has a lot to do with recovery. I still thought " maybe I should just do Nutrisystem or I've never tried Quick Weight Loss system."

    That is the ambivalence.

    So I read your food for the day, your fear of weight gain, your family expressing concern and thought about the things I've read and learned lately. I just want you to consider this. This is how you stop the cycle and how you reach the body weight that is right for your body. I tried to do it myself (even with help) for a while, but it wasn't the right help with an ED background.

    I wish the best for both of us.

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