Saturday, April 25, 2015

Inspiration

So there are those people you see that just 
do ...not...give.... up ... 
Seem like they just got it together? 


you don't like know them ... but you see them
follow them on social media? 
so you kinda sorta but not really know them? but they inspire you 

in some unseen way they push you not to give up 
even though you have never sat with them for coffee, never shared a meal with them 

you are like on the outside looking in 


but they still inspire you 

Tiffany is like that 

and she just launched her web site 

go over there!!! 


hurry!!! 

what are you waiting for? 


what? still reading this? 
go 



Sunday, April 19, 2015

let's talk food

Got up this morning before the alarm @ 4:10 AM

made a shake... 8 ounces almond coconut milk ... Califa is my favorite 
with a scant scoop of protein 
this is what I use in place of coffee creamer 

packed my food for work... I work 10 hour days and add on a commute... an hour each way 

the commute doesn't bother me in the least... I listen to books on tape... currently on 
Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series... people think I am nuts when they see me laughing my arse off driving. I have read all her books, but now I am going through them audio 

any whoosle 

2 slices turkey on a sandwich thin with spicy mustard and a laughing cow wedge.. with pickles 

3 egg whites with spicy mustard on 2 slices of high fiber crispy Bimbo bread 

Quest bar 

entire bag of broccoli frozen... cooked then drained and cooled on paper towels... add in a serving of low fat cottage cheese (I don't like the non fat cottage cheese... yucko) and some dressing... I thin my dressing half and half dressing and balsamic vinegar

I will probably buy a pear at work 

2 low fat Eggo waffles and 3 whites (this I will eat on the commute to work) 

large carb-d-light frozen yogurt (this I will eat on my way home) 


no gym yesterday or today... but Monday I should be able to go after work 

but I did get in a good amount of steps yesterday according to my fitbit 
This is pretty much a normal workday for me

Activity

 17655 steps taken
 32 floors climbed
  • You have climbed: Big Ben 
 4.74 miles traveled
 2522 calories burned




so have a great day Internet folks and blog at cha later

tootles 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Sunday Morning chit chat

Weight loss last week .5

I am good with that 
why? 
Have you ever watched Seinfeld? 
I had an Elaine Benez BIG salad last night 


that baby was ginormous!!! 

yummo 

and after... 100 calorie popcorn bag and 4 Snackwell cookies

so usually before weigh in I go easy the night before...
last night not so much 
and I used 21 of my weekly points so a loss ... boo yah!!! 


because remember .5 X 52 weeks = 25 pounds lost in a year!!! 

so goals this week: 
stop being a pansy and go to gym... scardy cat, chicken 


I have been sick (see the excuses I am making) 
been busy (yeah right... no more than usual) 
dang girl just get off your keister and 
GO TO THE GYM!!!!! 

maybe tomorrow 



Saturday, April 11, 2015

fears

tomorrow is weigh day 
and I am nervous 
why? I used some of my weeklies this week ... 
not all of them but this is where my head starts spinning 


here is my inner critic... Evil Karla 

you did this once, what makes you think you can again? you are weak... blah blah blah blah ... 
I am not even going to give the thoughts blog space because they are just FEAR screaming at me 


fear 
again Big Book reference: 


... fears thoroughly.   BB How It Works, p.68   View HOW IT WORKS chapter
We reviewed our fears thoroughly.


13.
... fears were to prove groundless?   12&12 Tradition Three, p.140   View TRADITION THREE essay
How could we then guess that all those fears were to prove groundless?

I am just afraid and maybe part of me is afraid to succeed? 
sound crazy? 
 well what about all the attention? people thinking I will fail? 
those thinking "Oh you got this" 
Do I? ... Got this? 
pressure? Questions? 

I am just me... on a journey to feel better in my skin, 
stop the binge/diet cycle... 
fit back into my size 6's... 

and what's weird .... and people I love and are close to me have said ... 
You have a problem.. obsessed I have heard that word 


ahhh ... HELLO??? I am a frigging grocery store manager that battles her weight 

kind of make perfect sense... 



this post kind of turned into a rambling gumble... that's how things go at 4:30 AM 

so work today and then off tomorrow 

food today : 
protein shake coffee
2 LF Eggos and egg whites 
Quest bar 
egg whites and sandwich thin 
cottage cheese and green beans 
ham and whipped cream cheese roll up on an 80 calorie La Tortilla 
135 calorie Carb-d-lite frozen yogurt 

 tootles 

Friday, April 10, 2015

How ya doin?

on the old Weight Watcher points system I am allowed 
22 points a day with 35 weeklies 
yesterday I used 31

that's a lot .... not binge a lot... but too many 

yesterday is over... new day today 


and I still have 14 weeklies left ... weigh in day is Sunday 

I felt myself readying for an all outter binge last night 
so I went to bed 
it worked... 
binge averted 


foods all packed for work 

here's my day's menu 

- protein shake with coffee 
- 2 low fat Eggo's and 4 egg whites 
- Quest bar 
- 4 egg whites and a sandwich thin 
- Greek yogurt 
- green beans with some cottage cheese 
- Carb-d-lite SF frozen yogurt (140 calories) 

^^^^^^^^
22 points used no weeklies 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like uber crap 
sick sick sick 
but I have to go to work.... lots to do 



ahhhh I need to start playing the lottery!!! 
tootles


Thursday, April 9, 2015

Doomed ... and real life issues

so I am handling my weight like I handled my alcoholism 
diet-binge cycle.... alcoholism... both are addictions for me 

I was not a good sober alcoholic... am not a good sober alcoholic 

I never did the 12 steps... didn't want to vomit all my "stuff" to anyone 
I am what AAers call a dry drunk... doomed to drink again 

yeah me ... doomed 



I am making light of it, but yeah I think about drinking on the occasion... for crying out loud I am a grocery store MANAGER!!!! they have thee coolest liquor flavors now... where were all those when I was drinking??? 
 but seriously what keeps me sober now a days are a few facts: 

  • if I drink... I will be drunk for a few years... FACT 
  • if I drink... I will fracture relationships... possible sever them and these are relationships I hold DEAR and are critical to my emotional well being 
  • if I drink... I put my job in jeopardy ... and I am too danged old to go through THAT 
easy peasy 

but food is not a simple as booze... you gotta eat ... annoying huh? 



again I am making light of this... but these are my real life issues 

so how do I maintain food sobriety? ... 
well obviously I have work to do... 
I am not even 30 days binge free 

I will start there ... 3/29/2015 was my last food binge ... Shame is what I feel when this happens 
... shameful or tragic.   BB The Family Afterward, p.123   View THE FAMILY AFTERWARD chapter

Now and then the family will be plagued by spectres from the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by escapadesfunnyhumiliatingshameful or tragic.

so today I am off... Chances of binge always increase on my off days... no one around to witness the incident... secretive...


but because of this blog and my decision to spill my guts to unseen people I am putting it out there 
today ... all days off are scary dangerous for me on the binge-o-meter 


sometimes I think I should go back to my plain ole food diary posts 
this kind of blog post is kind of scary to put out there 


ee gads!!! 
just push publish Karla and walk away from the computer 

tootles 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I need to be wary

I found out yesterday my new store is opening 
 earlier than anticipated

I have to take things one day at a time
Not be too obsessed about tomorrow
live in today
Or I could lose my @#$%

Pressure pushes me over the edge sometimes


so I will be seemingly a little slow
it will be on purpose
When I get in high pressure situations.... I slow down
to try and clear my mind
and take a moment to remind myself


.. grant me the serenity to accept the ...   12&12 Step Three, p.41   View STEP THREE essay
In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pauseask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot changecourage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the differenceThy will, not mine, be done."

 how is this food related? 

picture me... working in a grocery store... surrounded by aisle of chips, cookies, candy and tasty bakery items 

losing my @#$% 

yeah it ain't pretty 

calm and focus on today 
I will deal with tomorrow ... tomorrow as Scarlett would say 


so today.. food packed and Grateful for another beautiful So Cal day 

have some awesomeness out there 
tootles 





Tuesday, April 7, 2015

hitting bottom and gratitude

I always used to hear folks talk about hitting bottom 
what did that mean? ... I could never relate 
every morning was bottom 
I was never arrested. Never lost a job. 
Never was massively morbidly obese. 

I was lucky 

so why did I change my life? 
What was that moment when I decided? 
I have no friggin clue... maybe that's why it took me so long 

.. bottom.   12&12 Step One, p.24   View STEP ONE essay
The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program 
unless they have hit bottom 

I wake up and sometimes forget 
I have to remind myself that I have to be Grateful for today 

maybe this was a bottom for me this time 



me? I need weight management? I need a class on Healthy Balance
I am 5'6
159 pounds 


this is not terrible 
but my sugar and cholesterol were high when I tested
can you say massive sugar binge? 

so it's time to get things back on track 
be Grateful for today 
go to this class 
accept the help they are offering 
swallow my pride 

I may never get to this weight 

but I danged sure won't if I don't take this journey one day at a time 
and enjoy today
embrace and accept myself 
for my flaws and imperfections 
and my potential 
to be there to help and maybe one day inspire another 

tootles bloggity readers 



Sunday, April 5, 2015

Weight loss and warnings

So week #1 On Program I lost 7 Pounds!!!! BOO YAH!!! 


but here is where I have to be extra diligent 


. success than ours.   12&12 Step Ten, p.92   View STEP TEN essay
As an insurance against "big-shot-ism" we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.

this can be snatched up and GONE in ONE day!! 
One bad day 
Yes I have and can do that much damage to myself.... you have been following me for any time I have maybe... okay I have not shared this 
I am a BIG time binger!!! 


okay it's out there my dirty little secret 
this is why it is One Day at a time for me 
sometimes one hour at a time 
it is not just about weight loss 

It is more about my unhealthy relationship with food 

and how I tend to turn to it 
bad day... gorge myself 
stressed out... eat 8 bags of candy 
bored .... eat 8 sliced of stale bread and butter 
I don't want the food, and I dang sure am not enjoying it
I just NEED it... like I NEEDED to drink 
same ole same ole 


so I know my next challenge... 
I had a successful week 
this REALLY recaps where I am now 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in early sobriety, I imagined that there must be a certain point that people reach in recovery where they are now going to “make it.” A certain length of clean time where people are protected against the threat of relapse.
Turns out this simply isn't true. In fact, the statistics for long term sobriety are quite frightening–the drop off rate of relapsing addicts and alcoholics doesn't really slow down much as your length of sobriety increases.
So what causes a person to relapse after experiencing a genuine sobriety? The answer is complacency.
Complacency sets in when we get too comfortable in our recovery and stop pushing ourselves to grow. Obviously, we want to stay vigilant and fight complacency so that we can remain sober over the long haul. What are some ways to fight complacency?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so if you read it you are probably thinking Complacency? She has been back on track ONE week...what is she nuts? 


answer: ahhh YEP!!! 
this has happened to me sooooooooooooooooo 
many times.... I start strong... feel like ... 
I got this.... I don't need to weight and track and measure 
I be da bomb...
nah... I am good 
and then 


faceplant 

Just keeping it real here at Daily Thoughts 

happy Easter!!!! 



Saturday, April 4, 2015

Zero Tolerance

so tomorrow is my weigh in 
first week on old WWers points 
this is how I dropped my weight in 2010
calories, fat and fiber calculator 
I am using itrackBites app... works like a charm 


the activity points I have been fudging...
but I figure since I am getting in 15,000 steps on a normal day 

2 points a day in activity would be okay 

My food has been very routine, but it is hard to grocery shop with one person on WWers and one that is not and have a lot of variety so routine it is 


Easter won't be a HUGE food challenge... ham and I am taking a HUGE arse salad 
I am sort of the salad Queen 
lol 


so any whoosle 

whats weird... I have NOT struggled this week 
no food binge cravings 
food sobriety boo yah 


but I understand every day I have to be diligent
the food monster... 
and I have to have a NO MATTER WHAT frame of mind 
taken from a website ... duh... 
when I read this I am thinking... food/alcohol 

1. How to make a “zero tolerance” policy with yourself about not taking any mood or mind altering substances.

The “zero tolerance policy” is a condition that you place on yourself that says “no matter what.”
It basically reads as such: “I will not use drugs or alcohol today no matter what.”
Most people have no problem focusing on the idea of “not using drugs or alcohol.” What they often fail to realize is that the important part of this strategy is the no matter what part.
When you first get clean and sober, maintaining abstinence needs to become your number one priority in life. You have to set it above all other things, even above things such as family, love, relationships, religion, and so on. Everything gets bumped a notch down as your new, most important mission in life is to “not use drugs or alcohol today no matter what.”
This is the first action step of any long term recovery plan. The commitment to abstain, no matter what. It is more important than everything else. Period.
Why does this need to be learned?
Failure to grasp the idea of the zero tolerance policy results in relapse. If you do not commit absolutely, then you will most certainly relapse.
But the idea of having a zero tolerance policy towards relapse does much more than just prevent relapse. It actually changes how we live our lives, because each day, we completely write off the potential for using drugs or alcohol. This fierce commitment to abstinence frees up a lot of time and mental energy that might otherwise be spent needlessly obsessing on things. The quality of our life improves because we become more focused on positive action, simply because we do not have to hem and haw over whether we might take a drink or a drug that day.
It is not about raw willpower. We all know that willpower is typically not enough to overcome a real addiction. This is more about reprogramming your mind in early recovery. The thought of relapse should become like poison to you. The idea of taking a swig of alcohol should be like touching a hot stove. If you are not at that point, then something needs to change. 

so ZERO tolerance and reprogramming my mind 
this is my lifestyle 
this is me 
I cannot go whack a doodle 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
control my stress 
not get too tired, too upset... 
can't remember all the triggers... 
I will surely find them in my readings

have an awesome day  



Friday, April 3, 2015

Resentment

So this is may be a touchy subject but it has been bothering me for a few days and I know resentments used to be a trigger for me and drinking so..... since I am handling my food sobriety now Big Book style I am going to blog about it... to start a few Big Book Quotes that are in my mind right now and have been lately 
... resentment is a deadly hazard to an ...   BB To Wives, p.117   View TO WIVES chapterNever forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic.
11.
... resentment is infinitely grave.   BB How It Works, p.66   View HOW IT WORKS chapter
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.
... resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.   BB To Employers, p.145   View TO EMPLOYERS chapter
The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.

14.
... resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.   BB How It Works, p.66   View HOW IT WORKS chapter
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.

I understand and get that different things work for different people... I get that 

I know 5 folks that have had one kind of surgery or another 

3 lap banders...
1 Vertical sleeve
1 gastric bypass 

the three lap banders thought it was an easy fix.... 

2 lost quickly... loved it... ate snickers bars, Coke and chips nibble nibble nibble style and regained their weight 

1 had some complications early on... don't know the details... but after a few years.. saw they needed to put in the work and is doing AMAZING and looks awesome!!!! You go girl HOOT HOOT ---


the others have had some level of success one more so than the other ... here is where I get resentful... and I actually talked to one of these folks the other day about it... 


I am not wrong... or stupid... I get it ... but my feelings are my feelings 


here they are -----> 
These type of things are not a "fix" they still have to do the work 
I get that 
but they do HELP 


sometimes.. I wish I had a boost of help in losing and maintaining weight loss 

there it is ... 
my resentment 

and I was going to be all apologetic about it 
but I am not going to 

sorry not sorry 

sometimes I wish I had a little extra help 

there I feel better 



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hey girl

you did good!!!

those first few days you had some tough moments.... scared of failure but you kept going
even those small moments when you went to grab Scott's popcorn... wait!!! Where is the lighter choice one

"girl you are awesome!!! You are so amazing you get you OWN food!!!"

and Kudo's for walking back into Powerhouse!!!.... you were scared and yes they may have been judging you but you kept going by remembering it's not about THEM.... it's about YOU and YOU kick some serious pattootie!!

You remembered how good it felt to take care of YOU

and double kudo's for going back to blogging... again with what worked for you, not so much worrying about what's the "correct" blog post... you got more honest and put it out there

and you felt better... you had some unrealistic expectations.... you were just remembering how good it felt to feel good and were wanting the peace you felt with that... but you remembered you had to be patient and you got there

I am here for you girl, always have been

and don't dismiss those that support you, or try to... they don't always have an agenda... trust has always been hard for you... lighten up and open up a little.... it is scary but you can do it

Love ya and go out and be awesome!!!!

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