Thanks.... giving

I follow Jonny Straws on Instagram
and he has some MAJOR health issues
he posted about Giving on Thanksgiving and it got me to thinking
I don't do a lot of giving... I do a lot of the Thanks but not so much giving
I have always thought of Thanksgiving as Giving-Thanks

I know this is getting tedious but hang with me here

I am always reminded EVERY day here in Los Angeles when I go to the gym .... there are at least 10 RV's I pass every morning ... people that are living in them and I am Thankful for my warm home

I am thankful for my health ... SOOOO Thankful for my health!! especially reading Jonny Straws and his fight with cancer... reminds me I have little to nothing to whine about

I need to do more of the Giving... this is where I fall short

How about you?

today is about family and food
our family Thanksgiving is today
tootles me bloggity crew

Tuesday before Thanksgiving

I have been 100% on track for ... what?

wow 5 days!!! 

may not be a big deal to some ... but for me HECK YEAH!!! this is major! 

I have been listening to my book on the way to work, Women, Food and God 

Those My Fit Foods help so much and my 2 daily shakes... 

no thinking = weight loss 

last night was kind of a first ... follow me here... sorry if I get long winded  but I took out a meal and added a bar.... just trying to make my meals last and I had/have 5 Quest bars so thought by taking out a My Fit Food meal and swapping it for a bar ... 

The meals would last longer 

so any whoosel in doing the My Fitness Pal I noticed my calories last night were kind of low and so I stopped on my way home and got a Sugar Free frozen yougurt 

and I threw half of it away!! 

okay let me say that again 

I threw half of it away ... tasted awful ... what is happening to me!!!??? 

SF low car d'lite frozen yogurt has always been my treat food 

and now I am over it 

so food pictures from yesterday 

today I will TRY to get pictures of everything ... 

sometimes taking pictures of my food is hard to remember 

Thanksgiving week ... what am I thankful for today? 

I am thankful for the ability to make a decision and turn things around 

Today I am deciding to make today a good day, not to run away from responsibilities and hide in a food coma, go to work and KNOW it'll be busy and be okay with the Chaos. 

see yah tomorrow.... less of me that is 

tonight for tomorrow then it's today

so tonight I am blogging 

for tomorrow 

so when I post this 

it'll be today 

don't know if I mentioned but I have a full blown ... almost mini kitchen in my office

I work long crazy hours so I have to be prepared 

food, shakes, water, everything! 

the Seltzer waters were bomb!!! 

the grapefruit at least 

the cucumber was a little odd

very cucumbery 

very strange

busy crazy day at work 

came home had a few calories left so ate about a serving of the Halo top 

off to bed folks 

nighty night...

good Morning? 

yesterday

no workout... humm need to get better at this.

When I train ... totally kill it but  ... then there's the super slug side
There is an Orange Theory opening close to me, when they open a new location they usually offer cool grand open deals and group exercise is what I enjoy... Just like it better exercising with a group of folks

Water was good yesterday. This usually isn't an issue for me

usually drink 3 liters every day.
Finally found that Spritzer water posted all over social media
found it at Costco and man. Hope it's good! 12 packs were $14 each!! humm somehow there were two 12 packs when the Costco run was over.... hahahah

don't quite know what my issue is... Tend to overbuy when I like something ... then get sick of it... give it away or throw it away

then a few weeks later remember how awesome it was and buy it again... such a waster of money

pants, food, shirts, toothbrushes, shampoo

so yesterday food was on point... had 4 whites and oats for breakfast and had 2 shakes and a My Fit Foods 

then dinner to my daughters 

we met my future son in laws family and it went nice!!! Man oh man can my daughter cook!!! 

roast chicken, roasted vegetables and scallop potatoes I did good but no picture... that would have been a little awkward... I had a serving of chicken, 2 servings of the roasted vegetables a 2 slices of the scalloped potato and her dessert was baked apples, raisins and pecans over ice cream... I skipped the ice cream but I was  happy with my food choices... 

I TOTALLY had a moment prior to going over to their house 

for dinner a total "I want to shovel everything in my mouth" moment 

but I stopped and thought about it 

stress, anxiety, fear, feelings of overwhelming awkwardness 

slow down 

food will not fix your FEELINGS 

so today's food is packed 

I work the next 6 days 

Thanksgiving in the Grocery store 

wack a doodle busy!!! 

tootles 

Women, Food and God

On my way to work I started listening to Women, Food and God  by Geneen Roth 

and I have to say... it hit home really FAST 

I just started it but I can tell this will be an audio book I listen to SEVERAL times 

Am I using food as relief to the stresses of everyday life? 

Is overeating a way I am punishing and shaming myself? 

failing at a diet is this just proof that my deepest fears are true,  

that I am pathetic and doomed

Dieting gives me purpose 

binging gives me relief

all the above is from the book 

but wow! 

really made me think 

tootles me bloggity folks 

Morning Musings

Yesterday was Day one ... again like for the millionth time....
no let's get serious it was about start # 5475

every day I start "again"
every morning since I was 20... throwing out a few years because of I didn't care... and I figured I am almost to day #6000

I REFUSE to feel shame about this!!!! EVERY day is a new beginning, and every day is from now on Day #1

What have I done to help me with my new day #1?
I went yesterday to My Fit Foods  whenever I feel I need a boost to get back in the groove this helps me ..... so I ordered 16 meals, some will get frozen

The plan through the 26th is to make egg whites and oats for breakfast, then 2 shakes and 2 of the my fit foods meals

I don't have big plans for Thanksgiving... being a Grocer that kind of puts a damper on that day...  it'll just be three of us  my MIL, the hubster and moi ... we ordered a honey baked ham and I can just have ham and veggies...

I have my food planned ... Do you plan like this? I like My Fit foods because it offers a lot of variety and it is yummy... I have done this only a handful of times but when in a really bad place it sure does help! and lately there has been a lot of night eating... Just figured the investment would help me ... it was $144 for 16 meals... not too bad!

I am tweeting all my food like my blogger mentor Sean  (twitter feed is top right on the blog)

and yes he can be my mentor without him even realizing as I looked it up!

Simple Definition of mentor
: someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person
Source: Merriam-Webster's Learner's Dictionary

I don't know about the younger part though... he is teaching me just by my reading his blog daily!!!
my food is posted on twitter... and I have a plan to make it through Thanksgiving...

yeah enough rambling outta me this morning
picture was when we were in Florida... fun times

tootles 

Shame, guilt and low self esteem

so today will not be a normal silly, light post
I have been thinking a lot about this and so I am going to go ahead and blog about it

Shame and guilt

being a weight loss ~ maintenance ~ regainer ~ trying to lose again blogger I have a LOT of Shame and guilt. I see other bloggers disappear and wonder if this is the cycle of the S/G? Which also has a LOT to do with low self esteem. Someone VERY close to me said recently to me that I had terribly low self esteem... and yeah I know this... I am kind of a Karla hater... I do screw up A LOT!!!!

but how do you stop this guilt ~ shame ~ low self esteem cycle? So weird that I am so IN THIS in spite of the fact that in the last 5 months I have been recognized by my employer several times

Some people love public recognition, others yeah not so much

It's like I maliciously sabotaged myself to be in this position (up 10 pounds since September)
Pulled away from my support system ... shame and guilt
I night eat and sabotage myself too much
I found this on the net (psychcentral.com)

Shame underlies self-destructive behaviors:

• Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.
• Self-destructive behaviors often are an attempt to regulate overpowering, painful feelings but lead to more shame, propelling the self-destructive cycle.
• Secrecy, silence, and out-of-control behaviors fuel shame.
• Shame makes people want to hide and disappear, reinforcing shame.
• Shame is created in children through scolding, judging, criticizing, abandonment 

It is hard to "get back to normal" for me ... a lot of start and restarts ... I am currently in the process of trying again to build yet ANOTHER support system I am connected to daily.. 

and it's hard for people that are wired differently ... I can't tell you how many people (I know) I have disappointed ... or have come into my world and left (old trainers, Weight Watcher friends and leaders to name a few) that I am sure just walked away shaking their heads... why doesn't she just GET it? 

for someone like that I envy and then that feeds the whole guilt ~ shame ~ low self esteem place inside of me 

then there is the topic of my big ole mouth... and how I love to blog and say "oh this IS IT!!!" hence more shame ~ guilt ~ low self esteem 

It's a tough mountain to climb 

I think I will load some audio books today on this topic as I commute a lot and use this time for audio books 

sorry for the lengthiness of this post and the more serious spin but this has been on my mind as I am so IN this place right now 

I am not so much like in this horrible, awful place... just getting this off my chest and out there 

Have a good day and see ya later  

so much better!!!

worked out yesterday! 

ate on plan yesterday! 

drank (most) of my water yesterday! 

took NOTHING to sleep ... I have been using ZzzQuil lately... yeah I know I know ... not good 

I woke up this morning feeling lighter, less puffy 

I didn't weigh yesterday.. like what would have been the point... I know it was HIGH!!! 

I didn't weigh this morning... like what!? Am I going to lose 15 pounds overnight? ah no 

My hands aren't stiff

My ring isn't tight 

Boom shaka lakka 

I even signed up for my fellow bloggers 4 week speaker series... I haven't before due to Wednesday's being a work day but when I saw the calls were recorded ... well I signed up! Come on people!!! Sean has had AMAZING success and hey I can use all the help I can get 

tootles me bloggity folks 

Done, finished, complete!

my work travel is done 

finished! complete! over! 

now it's time for get back into my routine

eating right and working out! 

got on the scale this morning 164.6 and actually I was ready for it to be more 

so I am a smidge encouraged ... 

I didn't do as much damage as I thought 

so I dusted off yee ole protein... and back to counting calories based around 

good lean proteins... ie.. turkey, egg whites, chicken 

vegetables... I will prep some cooked veggies today 

shakes 

with the occasional treat ... Quest bar or a SF frozen yogurt 

work out minimum 3 times a week ....that's all set up 

yeah right like my abs could ever look that good 

but I have to work with what I have and do the best I can 

Thanksgiving isn't going to be a problem this year 

given the dynamic of the family plans 

so enough outta me this morning 

bye bye 

Lessons learned

yesterday I had a huge disappointment

like the kind you are so mad/sad/disappointed that you want to 

scream, punch, kick, cry 

so this morning I am reflecting.... 

where is the lesson? 

makes me reflect when I have been at the inflicting end of this

makes me reflect on the damage I have done over the years 

makes me reflect how you have to love people for who they are and let them get through their own issues ..... People don't and can't get help if they don't want to 

Gives me the strength to reach out that hand and help someone that is down, struggling, having a hard time... because I have been there and sometimes "I am fine" is the silent scream for help 

God works in amazing ways 

teaching me things all the time 

I just have to open my heart, ears, and eyes and recognize the lesson 

back to your regularly scheduled programing tomorrow 

trying to figure out this no sugar thing

maybe I over think things... 

yah think 

but I read a few VERY successful bloggers 

always blog about staying away from sugar 

sugar can spin me out into a full blown binge 

now I always say I binge but maybe I don't 

after listening to someones Youtube the other day 

maybe my "binge" is another person's normal 

don't know 

but I think I am onto something here 

reduce the sugar... 

helps to control the food cravings... 

carbs are sugar but not sure I am ready to go all crazy 

on the whole no carb movement 

I like my vegetables 

yesterday I had like 25 grams of sugar  

I track ...not consistently though on My Fitness Pal

yeah I know ~~~ hater, perfect, know it all person ~~~

you have to be consistent

but I struggle with this 

obviously  

                                                                                                                                    

good day... let's go for 2!!!

good day yesterday ... let's make it two!!! 

I have been trying to figure things out

what works and what doesn't 

I wish I was one of those folks that one thing works always 

yeah yeah I know you have to work it... but being a child here 

I don't wanna 

so I figure it out 

and I am 

yesterday major high at 163.8

this morning 160.8

let's see those gorgeous 150's again 

 tootles me bloggity buds