the nice thing about this blog is I am visibly invisible
few people read me on a daily basis that I see in my day to day life
and if I don't connect it to my Facebook ... even less
there ya go anonymity
and if I just talk... even fewer people read
so I am in a weird place
thinking about since I started this blog
my successes and how I have regained and my struggles
and kind of a why do I do what I do kind of a morning
it's weighing heavy on my mind
confession... I used to (I don't anymore) follow people that MAJOR struggled
it's like the traffic jam that is on the freeway
you can't help but slow down and look at the wreak
or when you blow your nose... and look in the tissue
what's that about? yeah there is boogers and snot there ahhhh duh!!!
so this morning I weighed 163.8
yeah not good
I had this bright idea to swap to Whole 30
ah yeah that didn't work
I ended up having a "final feast"
then last night freaked out and gorged on cookies
I am NOT a strong individual
I have to get some wind in my sails to keep me going
and the wind machine isn't working right now
I have also pulled away from individuals that help me with this
too complicated to go all into that
so here I am
I have to depend on me
I did it before
why is it that this is so different?
what is it?
am I comfortable? too comfortable?
hummm I just don't know what it is .....
so today I have my food packed
and all logged in My Fitness pal
if you just look at My Fitness pal you would think I am "perfect"
I don't log when I eat Oreo's
and put on the feeder bag of chips
so I just want to get through today
I didn't go to the gym this morning
that's why I have so much time for this post
and pouring all my thoughts out here
I felt "too fat" for the gym
yeah dumb I know
then I see gals (on my various social media)
that have stuck with it
and they look bomb
and I start making all these excuses to myself
yeah I am a mess this morning
I think this is the most lengthy worded post I have ever posted
so what's the point of all this?
I just am looking to talk out my issues
find my wind machine again
ignite that spark again
find the place in my head where committed and commitment went
cause it WENT somewhere
and excuses are there now
so just like when I was drying out from booze
I can only work on today
just worry about today
just think about today
and get through today
I am sure maybe only one human read this entire post
maybe not even one
signing off for today