Wednesday, July 26, 2017

visibly invisible

the nice thing about this blog is I am visibly invisible 
few people read me on a daily basis that I see in my day to day life
and if I don't connect it to my Facebook ... even less 
there ya go anonymity 
and if I just talk... even fewer people read 
so I am in a weird place 
thinking about since I started this blog 
my successes and how I have regained and my struggles 
and kind of a why do I do what I do kind of a morning 
it's weighing heavy on my mind 
confession... I used to (I don't anymore) follow people that MAJOR struggled 
it's like the traffic jam that is on the freeway 
you can't help but slow down and look at the wreak 
or when you blow your nose... and look in the tissue
what's that about? yeah there is boogers and snot there ahhhh duh!!! 
so this morning I weighed 163.8 
yeah not good 
I had this bright idea to swap to Whole 30
ah yeah that didn't work 
I ended up having a "final feast" 
then last night freaked out and gorged on cookies 
I am NOT a strong individual 
I have to get some wind in my sails to keep me going 
and the wind machine isn't working right now 
I have also pulled away from individuals that help me with this 
too complicated to go all into that 
so here I am 
I have to depend on me 
I did it before 
why is it that this is so different? 
what is it? 
am I comfortable? too comfortable? 
hummm I just don't know what it is .....
so today I have my food packed 
and all logged in My Fitness pal 
if you just look at My Fitness pal you would think I am "perfect" 
ah no
I don't log when I eat Oreo's 
and put on the feeder bag of chips 
so I just want to get through today 
I didn't go to the gym this morning 
that's why I have so much time for this post 
and pouring all my thoughts out here 
I felt "too fat" for the gym 
yeah dumb I know 
then I see gals (on my various social media) 
that have stuck with it 
and they look bomb 
and I start making all these excuses to myself 
yeah I am a mess this morning 
I think this is the most lengthy worded post I have ever posted 
so what's the point of all this? 
I just am looking to talk out my issues 
find my wind machine again 
ignite that spark again 
find the place in my head where committed and commitment went 
cause it WENT somewhere 
and excuses are there now 
so just like when I was drying out from booze 
I can only work on today 
just worry about today 
just think about today 
and get through today 
I am sure maybe only one human read this entire post 
maybe not even one 
signing off for today 
visibly invisible 
tootles 



6 comments:

  1. You're read by this human, just so you know! Keep fighting!

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  2. FYI- I read the entire post :)
    I wish I had great advice. I don't- sorry. The best we can do is just keep at.keep going until something clicks.

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  3. 'Nother human who read the whole thing here. I'm singing, 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.'

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  4. I enjoy your posts - so true, "get through today" - keep going! I can pass on the cookies, but not the chips :)

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  5. I always read your posts. Love this one by the way because I can identify. Even after 14 years maintaining, it's tricky. I still have those indulge days and weight goes higher than I want or need. Fortunately, I rarely do the total binge thing anymore. Just keep on keeping on. You're doing great. :)

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  6. Constant reader here as well. Every post makes me happy when I see it in the feed. I have kept fiddling with macros since I started 6 months ago looking for a balance. Not to much of this, not enough of that, so I fall down into a bucket of kfc once... and a half. But you get up again, shake it of. And see which pieces are worth picking up again.

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